Updated: Dragon Bound, Part the Third: Pregnant Unicorns and Other Things I Wish I Never Had to Read About

dragonboundreadalongbutton-01I feel as if I’ve gone through all the stages of grief reading this book:

Denial:  I’m not really doing this, right? 

Anger: See Part 1 reaction, please.

Bargaining: “If I read one more chapter, I can have a glass of wine, and this will all go away and I can go back to reading real books . . . ”

Depression: “Oh my god. This was published and people read it. Like, for fun. For enjoyment. What’s the point any more? I can’t believe I brought a child into the kind of world where people like reading about emotionally abusive, repulsive relationships. Where’s the wine again?”

Acceptance: “It’s over, it’s really over! I still have to write about it, but I never have to read it again! I don’t care that other people read this, right? And that maybe feminism is dying?”

So here we are at last. I’ve accepted that Pia is a unicorn, that she’s carrying Dragos’s über-weird dragon-baby, and that Dragos is just going to inform her that they’re getting married after yet another bout of ultra-aggressive and strangely boring sex, and that the book will end with her slipping a giant diamond on her finger. For realsies.

I hate this book with the fiery passion of a thousand exploding suns, if you needed it spelled out.  I hate it so much that I don’t really have anything productive to say about this last third. It was predictable and infuriating at the same time.

I can tell you with assurance, dear readers, that it will be many a year before I read another romance novel. I loathed Dragon Bound and even the tiny bits that were amusing couldn’t save the gag-inducing whole.

I’m glad I read it, though, because I like to uphold my claim to be an omnivorous reader (even though omnivorous is taking on all kinds of new meanings thanks to the spectacularly awful ‘devouring’ scenes in Dragon Bound), and because now I’ll never wonder if I’m missing out by skipping the Romance Buffet.

To entertain you, I will now cast the movie version of Dragon Bound. You’ll have to click the links for pictures because I am way paranoid about posting copyrighted images. My apologies to all of you, dear actors, for associating you, even fictitiously, with this book.

PiaKate Mara

DragosJason Momoa (Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones. I don’t watch Game of Thrones, but good lord is hard to not know about it.)

Rune, Dragos’s second-in-command and best bro, despite the episode in which Dragos almost kills him for conducting self-defense training with Pia: Brad Pitt circa Legends of the Fall

Tricks, the perky, tiny, Fae PR person: Kristin Chenoweth. Honorable Mention: Kristen Bell.

Graydon, another one of Dragos’s bros, the one who actually likes Pia, despite annoying habit of calling her “Cupcake” : Tyrese Gibson (yeah, I’m ignoring the physical description. I’m bored with all the tan/tawny-haired guys.) Honorable Mention: Tahmoh Penikett.

Urien, the Dark Fae King or Lord of the Sith or whatever: Tom Hiddleston (extra apologies to you, Mr. Hiddleston, because of all your fine Shakespeare work.)

Aryal the Harpy, by far the most interesting unexplored character: Eva Green.

Pia’s dead unicorn motherConnie Neilsen

Quentin, Pia’s only friend, dreamy, mysterious, and possibly half-Elf: Lee Pace

That was pretty fun! Like I said, I’m glad I read this, even if I hated it. I liked the whole reading-with-others-separately experience, so much so that I’m going to host my own (VERY DIFFERENT) read-along in 2014. All of 2014. Guess what has twelve parts and a few characters who fly?

Stay tuned, dear readers.

In the meantime, perhaps the other readers-along have something more intelligent to say about this last third of the book:

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Dragon Bound, Part the Second: I have a theory.

When we left off last week, Pia and Dragos were about to be dragged into a goblin fortress, and I was seething with feminist (personist?) rage. dragonboundreadalongbutton-01

The rage is back, folks, but luckily for you, and Thea Harrison, I’m on my way back from my brother’s wedding in Cleveland, so this will be brief.

This section of the book brings Pia into Dragos’s world/demesne (yes, they escaped from the goblins. I was shocked.). We get to meet Dragos’s lieutenants, who, the interweb tells me, will get their own books eventually, as well as a fairy named Tricks, who seems to me like a magical Kristen Chenoweth in a business suit.

Sidebar: why is it that women in these books only drink white wine?

Dragos has his own skyscraper and ruthless lawyers (oh, did I mention that the book’s epigraph is attributed to Donald Trump?), and gosh, does the poor dragon man have a lot on his mind! Here’s a credit card, Pia! Have a latte and hit the gym, but don’t forget lunch with the girls! Oh, I don’t like your clothes, so please wear this expensive robe so that none of my hulking gorgeous male friends will get a look at your (no doubt quivering) thighs.

And then there’s the sex. The always-agressive (though with consent, this time), heteronormative, vanilla sex (I mean, he’s not a dragon at the time, right?).

Yes, it seems that once you hit the 1/3 mark, your main characters get to quit holding at second and thirdish base and run for home. A lot. The sex scenes are just as awful as you would think, with Pia feeling so affected by Dragos “wrecking” her that she feels she needs to go sit in a dark room and sort out her feelings.

I have a theory about all this “wrecking.” You know how A-list actors (for the most part) will only do graphic sex scenes if the scenes are integral to the plot of the movies? I’m thinking of Diane Lane in Unfaithful, Joseph Fiennes & Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love, Gael García Bernal (yes, I know he wasn’t famous yet) in the last scene in Y Tu Mamá También, for starters.

[Sidebar 2: I prefer sex in movies to be implied — see the curtains stirring in the breeze in The Maltese Falcon? Yeah, that’s Humphrey Bogart having sex.]

Well, I think Ms. Harrison is trying to confer an air of legitimacy on Dragon Bound‘s sex scenes with these claims that Pia’s whole self is changed when she has sex with Dragos (“He took her so far and deep outside of herself, she came back changed in fundamental ways she didn’t understand” [176].). It’s as if she’s saying, “Look! The book needs the sex! It’s part of the characters’ arcs!”

At least Dragos willingly performs cunnilingus.

As I said in my first post, I think there are some interesting dynamics at work in the book — the interaction between human and non-human societies in particular. And I get a kick out of Elves enforcing trade embargoes. Would someone with influence suggest to Ms. Harrison that she try her hand at less sex-centered mass market paranormal fiction?

Next week: Will Dragos learn to love? Will he accidentally-on-purpose kill his second in command? Will Pia reveal her Wyr-self? Stay tuned . . .

Check out the other readers-along:

Dragon Bound, Part the First: Let’s Talk about Sex Consent

My reading of Thea Harrison’s Dragon Bound did not begin auspiciously. In the very first sentence, we have an unnecessary adverb, and I don’t mind those in blog posts, but when one has an editor? Tut, tut. I should probably tell you my least favorite line up front, too: “the sight of his bare chest had stolen every digit of her IQ” (93). GAG.

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N.B.: Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers.

After that start, though, the book grew on me. For a while.

Pia is a resourceful heroine with some serious baggage, which makes her more complex and interesting than the blushing rose I was expecting from a romance novel. Bonus: she swears and actually has sexual experience.. I was going to be all kinds of annoyed if the first person she sleeps with were to be a dragon-person. I mean, Wyr. Anyway, when we see her, she’s just stolen something from Dragos (more on him in a sec), and is on the run.

I think Ms. Harrison’s world-building is pretty interesting, and clearly borrows from Tolkien, and probably from other, more modern fantasy writers that I haven’t gotten around to reading. The basic idea is that in this world, humans co-exist with Elves, Fae (like fairies and trolls, I guess, both Dark and Light), and Wyrkind (think ‘were-kind’). The Wyrkind folks can turn into all sorts of animals, apparently. Pia is half-human, half-Wyrkind. I suspect that the revelation of her kind of Wyr will be a major plot point.

Pia knows who Dragos is before they meet, which saves us some conversational exposition. Combine that with what we learn in this first section and we have a list of pretty snazzy qualifications: He’s super-sexy (to Pia), incredibly rich and politically connected, all kinds of powerful (magic-wise), a telepath, and a huge dragon as old as the earth itself. Oh, and he likes to get his own way, apparently. I do think the description of his size leaves something to be desired, though: “Dragos Cuelebre exploded into the sky with long thrusts from a wingspan approaching that of an eight-seater Cessna jet” (9). Yes, that’s a “thrust” on page nine, folks. But my real problem is the Cessna thing. First of all, everyone knows what a 747 is. But a Cessna? A Cessna 8-seater? Um, no. Why can’t he just be as big as a jet? Or a helicopter or something?

So, for 42 pages, ok. No sex, some magical intrigue, reference to a harpy (!), some interesting ideas about an integrated human-magic world (including Department of Energy contracts, which seems pretty brainy for a romance novel). Also use of the word ‘demesne,’ which I enjoy. And a cool, older, possibly half-Elven friend named Quentin for Pia. Quentin is crushworthy. I would totally hang out with him and I’m pretty sad that he seems to drop from the novel completely after just a few pages.

But . . .

There’s this dream-ish thing.

Before Dragos can decide not to rip Pia into itty bitty pieces because he thinks she’s super cute, he needs to find her, and for that, he needs to know her name. So he does his magic thing and reaches out to her in a dream.  To be more accurate, he sends her a dream/beguilement, or maybe implants it into her subconscious while she’s sleeping (it’s magic, and I’m not an expert, so cut me some slack, ok?).

This undertone of incursion/violation/assault/drugging was such a turn-off that it was difficult for me to read about the hot almost-sex the dream/beguilement versions of Pia and Dragos have.

[Sidebar: Dragos is constantly referred to as “a male,” instead of “a man.” I get that this is technically accurate because he’s a dragon and all, but I find the construction distracting, like someone’s talking about a lab rat.]

So in the dream/magic incursion into Pia’s consciousness, Dragos’s Power (capital P) turns Pia on. He uses his magic voice on her, and before she knows it, she rushes toward him, and immediately “He took hold of her arms, dragged her across his body and slammed her into the mattress as he rolled on top of her. Pinning her down with his heavy body, he locked his hands around her glowing wrists and yanked them over her head. The corded strength in his fingers make [sic] the flesh and bone they shackled feel slender and fragile” (45).

Um, what now? Here are some words that are problems for me here: dragged, slammed, pinning, locked, yanked, shackled.

Call me a capital-F Feminist, but I like my sex with a heaping side of consent. The “juncture between her thighs” (OUCH) may “[grow] slick,” but is Pia really in a position to give informed consent? She certainly didn’t consent to this mind-violation. How do we know that Pia’s engagement with Dragos in the dream isn’t the result of the drugging-magic thing Dragos has going on?

I get that this is a romance novel, and that in the pages that follow Pia and Dragos will have lots of mutually-desired sex. Great. Pia wants to be dominated? Have fun, Pia. She’s an adult, and adults should be free to do whatever they like in their bedrooms (or kitchens or whatever) with other consenting adults. What I don’t like is that the novel’s first sexual encounter has very negative overtones of non-consent.

Sure, Pia seems to be into the encounter, but the important word here is seems. She didn’t want the dream/encounter to happen in the first place: “Pia dreamed of a dark, whispering voice. She tossed and turned, fighting to ignore it. Exhaustion was a concrete shackle. All she wanted to do was sleep. But the voice insinuated into her head and sank velvet claws deep” (43).

See what I mean?

At least they have a talk later (87-88) about how she was beguiled and how her choices are now her own, which makes me feel a little better. A very little. Until Dragos started spouting nonsense about how Pia “belongs” to him. GROSS. Pia does correct him before they indulge in some pretty hot over-the-clothes action, and when she tells him to stop he stops. Thank goodness.

Man, I really hoped this was going to be funny. I just don’t get it — why can’t a novel geared toward women, in which we know the characters are going to fall for each other, feature clear consent at all times?

The rest of this first-third is a pretty good time. Dragos catches Pia and tells her that her ex is dead (boo hoo), and then pulls a Mr. Rochester when she almost faints, getting her a blanket and a drink. Pia reveals that she’s got a cool trick—locks can’t hold her— and then proceeds to use some political wiles and an order of steak to get Dragos shot with some sort of elf dart (why are elves always archers?), but then finds him so irresistible that she stays by his side to nurse him. Aw. I think the message is pretty loud and clear: Pia is attracted to the huge, dangerous,  good-looking dragon.

Now I’ve written more than a thousand words about this treasure, so let’s cut to the end. Someone has been very naughty and betrayed Dragos, which means that he and Pia are captured by goblins and dragged into an “Other” land, some sort of rip in the space-time continuum where mechanical weapons don’t work (like the Terminator’s time bubble). Dragos is apparently too incapacitated to launch more than one fireball (using his eyes — like a cross between Cyclops and Gandalf). Pia’s really freaked out about bleeding (can I get a Freudian in here, please?), and when Chapter 7 ends, the goblins are about to take Pia and Dragos into their fortress. Because what would a romance novel be with a dungeon?

See? It’s my first one, and I’m learning already!

By the way, who else wants to turn the metaphors of consuming and devouring into a publishable paper?

Stay tuned for next week’s installment, and check out the other readers-along:

Well, this happened.

This week, I was going to write a post about “Cetology,” that not-much-loved chapter of Moby-Dick, but then I got a little email from my library telling me that a book I’d requested had arrived. (Don’t worry, my pretties, we’ll get to “Cetology” yet.)

So, here’s the book I requested:

What have I done?

What have I done?

Now, there’s a way to look at this where this is all Rick’s fault.  He made a joke about how he ought to host a paranormal romance read-along, and then the joke became a reality, kind of like a turducken. I’m reading the post, laughing so hard that my neighbors were probably concerned, and apparently I lost the flow of oxygen to my brain, because I threw my hat in the ring too.

Oh lord. I’m about to read my first-ever romance book.

I would also like to add that I was too much of a coward to go pick it up at the library (the librarians know me now, you know?), and since I’m not good with disguises, I sent my husband in my stead. He’s a noble fellow.

So, here’s Rick’s timetable. Run out and get your copies now, folks. Seriously. Please don’t make me do this alone.

  • September 30: Introductory Post
  • October 7: First-third reaction
  • October 14: Second-third reaction
  • October 21: Third-third (?) reaction

I’d also recommend following Rick (@BlogAnotherBook) on Twitter. He claims he’s going to live-tweet the experience.

Excuse me. I have to go gird my loins.